Multiple grammatical suggestions/corrections

[david-maidsafe]

Origonal report: forum post
Posted By: dlux

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I don’t have a Github acct but work as a professional literary editor, so thought I would share some suggestions:
“Freedom of expression, control of personal data, private and secure communications; and a whole new economy.”
Semicolons should only be used between independent clauses, and the text following the semicolon above isn’t independent. Two solutions: use a comma, or (my suggestion) use an em dash. The latter would look like this:
“Freedom of expression, control of personal data, private and secure communications—and a whole new economy.”
“See How it Works”
“It” is a pronoun and should be capitalized in title case. (The hyperlink at the bottom of main page with the same wording correctly capitalizes “It.”)
“Everyone should be able to collaborate freely and share ideas; free and unrestricted access to information for everyone around the world.”
Incomplete sentence. I suggest deleting the semicolon, adding a comma instead, and following the comma with “enabling”:
“Everyone should be able to collaborate freely and share ideas, enabling free and unrestricted access to information for everyone around the world.”
“David Irvine — Founder”
OK tiny correction here: Delete the space between the em dash and “Founder”:
“David Irvine —Founder”
“When we’re given the tools to communicate privately and securely we gain the freedom to collaborate and innovate all as one.”
I suggest adding a comma after “securely.”
“Browse and access anonymously”
I suggest reversing the order of “browse” and “access” for sequential accuracy. (First you access, then you browse.) Unless you want the alliteration of “access anonymously.”
“Get free unrestricted access from any connected device around the world.”
Optional, and for stylistic reasons you may want to ignore this suggestion, but I suggest adding a comma after “free.”
“You’ll pay a minimal, one-time, upload charge but you’ll get permanent secure backups with no more monthly fees.”
Delete comma after “one-time” and add a comma after “charge.” Reasons are slightly more complicated but DM me if you want clarification—no problem.
“Instead, you’ll use Safecoin, a crypto currency that is integrated into and distributed entirely by the network.”
I suggest making “crypto currency” one word as this is now the standard.
“Users are compensated for providing their resources and can use this to pay developers to use their apps in a virtuous and self sustaining cycle.”
Three problems: Triple use of “use” or derivative, second “use” technically refers to “their resources” as opposed to Safecoin, and “self sustaining” should be hyphenated. Suggestion:
“Users are compensated with Safecoin for providing their resources, and can then exchange their Safecoin to pay developers to use their apps in a virtuous and self-sustaining cycle.”
“By running a Vault, you can offer the network your unused resources—like hard drive space and bandwidth—and be automatically be rewarded with Safecoin.”
Delete one of two “be”s.
“As there is no human interaction, the Network autonomously creates a perfect market. Prices are set continually dependent on available resources and user demand.”
Delete one of the two spaces between sentences to standardize with house style.
General note: When using the shortened “the network,” sometimes “network” is capitalized, sometimes it isn’t. I would standardize. My suggestion would be to use the capitalized version. I also suggest reviewing all pages on website, searching for “the network,” and replacing all lower-case instances (or vice versa, if you choose to standardize with lower case). Not a huge deal, but hardening house style make sense IMO, and avoids any potential confusion down the road.
Please feel free to DM me if there is confusion or uncertainty about any of these suggestions—I’d be happy to provide rationale or citations for why I suggested them. Otherwise the website looks amazing—thanks to everyone who helped make this possible!